I am a software developer. As a software developer, I utilize various languages, software, operating systems, code libraries, and frameworks on a daily basis to produce software that benefits the end-user. I am also a good developer, and take pride in my work, making sure my code is clean, maintainable, and resilient to change.

Occasionally, I encounter bugs and glitches, and work patiently and thoroughly to analyze the source of the problem and correct it accordingly. This involves diligence, patience, and a innate rational understanding that a computer is designed to be programmed, a malfunction being a logical error introduced by the programmer.

This is on a normal day.

But today is NOT such a day.

After a weeklong battle with a recent technical challenge, having exhausted all probable explanations, followed by reasonable ones, followed by the highly improbable, and having finally depleted every remaining ounce of rational thought, I have come to the following conclusion:

My code is infected by no less than some form of BAD JOO-JOO.

That’s right, my code has been overcome by a form of magical incantation and/or curse, less intense in severity, but equally irritating. I cannot pinpoint the origin of said joo joo, but it appears as if it has penetrated outward into my development environment, presumably by some form of etheric osmosis.

Observe the following grails code-excerpt. It is syntactically and logically correct:

import common.sense
import extremist.political.views
import character.trait.paranoia
import character.trait.adhd
class SheepController {
	static final String EXISTENCE_MEANINGLESS = 1;
	static final String NOT_THINKING = 2;
	static final String NATURAL_SELECTION = 3;
	def controlHuman = {
		def sheep = new Human()
		def wolf = new ElitistPolitician()
		sheep.setMethodOfExistence(EXISTENCE_MEANINGLESS)
		sheep.setPreferredThinkingStrategy(NOT_THINKING)
		wolf.setPhilosophy(NATURAL_SELECTION)
		while (!sheep.isDead()) {
			if (sheep.hasMoney()
			&& sheep.canConsumeMeaninglessGoods()) {
				sheep.setSatisfied(true)
				wolf.extract(sheep.getLifeForce())
			}
		}
		render (view:'paranoid', [human:sheep, elitist:wolf])
	}
}

By all observation, this code block is correct and should compile and execute without a glitch, as it always has, but recently grails has been crashing with the following mysterious error messages. Here is a log snippet:

2010-12-14 18:55:07,313 [TP-Processor666] ERROR errors.GrailsExceptionResolver
Incorrect assumption. java.net.AssumptionException: logic timed out:
Failed to validate Political Model. Paranoia buffer overload. Please seek professional help.

I’ve tried google, stackoverflow, forums… nothing! Not a trace of reference to this error. I have now resorted to burning incense, chanting excerpts from Pragmatic Programmer, and sacrificing a beloved object (GoF Design Patterns). In the end, I can only assume that the forces at play are not of this World.

If you have any insight into this anomaly, please drop me a line: pragmatic.programmer [AT] adhd.com